Breathing is Over-rated

My friend E lives in a different zip code and different world than me. She’s refreshingly down to earth and great fun--grew up middle class in the Midwest like me-- but her neighbors are very 90210, Desperate Housewives of the O.C. Let me give you a few examples. We went shopping the other day on our lunch hour in Los Gatos and stopped in one of the many ridiculously over-priced boutiques in Los Gatos. Naturally, I made a beeline for the 75% off rack where a black Malandrino wool jacket I am lusting over has been marked down..drum roll, please..to a mere $500.00!!! I try it on every time I visit, and they keep telling me what a great deal it is-the last time a button popped off so I'm hoping they'll keep knocking down the price.
This time I decided to try some clothes on for fun-a purple dress resembling one that Kendall Hart has been wearing in brown on All My Children and I convinced E to be Greenly and try on a short black dress with huge brooch-like stones around the high waist. I tried to squeeze into this low cut number, but couldn’t zip up the back. My Pilate-sized friend looked like a movie star in the LBD but said she couldn’t breath. “Breathing is over-rated,” said the sales clerk with a straight face. I tried on a pair of size 29 jeans but decided I needed a bigger size and the same clerk said with disgust that they didn’t carry any size larger than a 29! (I’m a curvy size 8 for those of you trying to figure out how much an elephant I am). E spotted a girlfriend from her kids school (another mommy boys would like to you know what) while we where there who was drinking wine. She buys couture and as soon as the clerks realized we were all buds they brought out a bottle and told us they have full bar in back! They never told me that all those times I dig through the ten-dollar bin! I grabbed a pair of Boob-eze as a gag gift for my flat chested girlfriend’s birthday and the clerk said that was cheapest pair of boobs she’d ever seen-hers certainly cost a lot more she confided. I tried on an extra small fuchsia silk strappy top and it squashed my boobs so much that I had to come out from the dressing room and parade around the store, telling E that I thought it was a perfect fit and I was going to buy it. I don't know what was better-her shocked face trying to break the news to me gently that it was hideous or the horrifed clerks who told me they were not under any circumstances going to sell that to me. lt's a joke I said, as they formed a huddle and whispered. Who knew they have fashion Nazis in Silicon Valley that determine whether or not you can buy an item-I'm surprised they let an elephant like me in the store. Maybe the next step will be a tiny door with a sign like you see in amusement parks: "If you are too big to fit through this slot, you are denied entry."

E decided that she didn’t need to move for the few hours she’d wear the dress and as we waited to check her out the young teen in front of us racked up a crdit card charge of $1,300! A little different from the gals I see in Santa Cruz at Crossroads selling their old clothes to buy used Betsy Johnson dresses. E asked for the dress in a bag not on a hanger-easier to hide, huh, I said and she nodded. It's nice to know that no matter your income all women share the same issues--hiding new clothes and price tags from our husbands.